Listen to me. Accept my apology. Give me your hand. Talk to me. 

These are things that we’ve all said at some point in some way and likely with love.

They can also be some of the most hurtful things to say to someone who is struggling. Let me explain why through a short story.

One day, a man fell into a river. Considering he wasn’t a very strong swimmer, he was struggling to keep his head above water despite his exhausting efforts of desperately kicking and paddling. Dozens of people had gathered and were standing along the edge of the water shouting: “give me your hand.”

With all of his efforts focused on survival and his mind in a state of panic, he continued battling the waves and ignoring their pleas. He could barely breathe and was losing consciousness when an older gentleman, clearly also concerned about the drowning man, waded in the river up to his knees, looked lovingly at the drowning man and said: “take my hand.”

Much to the surprise of the bystanders, the man grabbed the man’s hand and the two emerged from the deadly waters. 

“How were you able to get him to listen to you?” Asked the confused crowd. “We too tried to help and he ignored us.”

The older gentleman calmly replied: “You all asked him for something and expected him to come to you. I offered him something and was there for him. A drowning man in in no position to give you anything or do anything for you.”

When a person is broken, exhausted, heartbroken, scared or “drowning”, asking them to come to us and share their pain is asking them to do more than they are capable of when all they can do is tread water and stay alive. 

If someone you know is drowning, instead of asking them for something, think of what you can offer them. Write them a kind letter and build them up. Surprise them with dinner. Offer to video call their kids for a bit. 

Take it from someone who has been in the darkest corners of my own mind, there is no way that I can find the words to explain “what’s wrong” when I am there and no way that I can find the energy to give you my hand, even if I’m drowning.