I hope that your vibes are staying high through this experience! If you are feeling overwhelmed or intensely stressed, don’t hesitate to reach out to me by replying to this email, commenting on one of my Instagram posts or joining me in my Pack and dropping a comment there. You aren’t alone. We are all going through our own battles right now.

Speaking of battles, I’ve never been a fan of war movies. I haven’t been able to sit through very many other than Heartbreak Ridge with my dad when I was a kid. The only reason I remember anything about that movie is because he frequently used a quote from one of the characters: It’s a question of mind over matter. We no longer mind, ’cause, you don’t matter. That reflection could open up a whole other conversation. Perhaps another time.

I vaguely remember watching Saving Private Ryan in my twenties and, similarly, I only remember one scene. Although in this case it wasn’t because someone I loved liked to quote it. It’s because when I was flying home from Canada after my near suicide attempt in 2018, it vividly returned to my memory.
Spoiler alert if you haven’t seen the movie.  

It was the scene where Captain John Miller (Tom Hanks) utters to Private Ryan (Matt Damon), “earn this, earn it”, as his last words before dying.

A group was sent for Private Ryan because it had been decided that his mother would have some solace in his return after losing her other sons in battle. Countless members of that group perished so that he could live. “Earn this” was Captain Miller giving Private Ryan a way to earn back the enormous effort and sacrifice that the group made for him by living a meaningful life.

As we sit in our homes, people all over the globe are in hospitals or have died from COVID-19. We can argue the numbers or the severity, but those aren’t what’s important. The important thing is that these are people. While perhaps their sacrifices weren’t consensual, let’s remember that not all soldiers throughout history volunteered to die either.

This past week as I have struggled with taking on the extra task of trying to ensure that my son continues his education (something that he is protesting with a vengeance) despite a severe lack of support or involvement from his school, this scene has returned to the forefront of my mind.

Right now, we are being given an opportunity to grow, to better ourselves and to help and serve others. We’ve never had a chance quite like this to take a step back and evaluate our lives and ourselves and adjust accordingly. We, like Private Ryan, are being given the chance to live on and we wouldn’t have this unique blessing if it weren’t for the loss of life that has deemed COVID-19 a pandemic.

We can choose to panic and agonize over the unknown. As someone who struggled with a panic disorder for years, I get how lack of control can throw a person into this spiral. I also know that it is possible to overcome it.

I’ve reflected a lot these last few weeks on those close to me in my life that I’ve lost and those that have sacrificed, voluntarily or not, so that I can live and pursue a happy life that would make them proud.

I’m choosing to earn it by focusing on the happy moments with my son and how lucky I am to spend more time with him right now. I’m choosing to earn it by continuing to serve others by means of whatever opportunities present themselves. I’m choosing to earn it by taking care of myself and living the healthiest and happiest life that I possibly can.